she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
