cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
