i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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