I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
