Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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