Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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