wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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