my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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