I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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