So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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