I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize