Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
