What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
