i already hear my dad disowning me
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
