the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
