My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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