my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
