I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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