the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
