he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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