I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
