Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
