Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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