I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
