Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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