Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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