You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
