im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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