Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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