there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
