He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
