We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
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I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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