Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
