Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
