No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
