2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
