I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
