Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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