Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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