Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
