im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize