Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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