Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Holy shit dude........stairs
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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