i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
well you can't waste a boner
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
