I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
