Your mouth is God's brothel.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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