I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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