Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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