I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
