You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
