Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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