i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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