Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
