My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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