I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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