I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
But break dance skills will only take you so far
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
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