I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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