Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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