I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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