no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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