it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Congratulations! We have a period
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