I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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