I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
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