4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
