my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You need Xanax blowdarts
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I forget how to act sober
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