Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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