I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
