This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
