So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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