great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
