last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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