So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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