i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
