If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
