I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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